I'm not sure why I chose that title to be honest. But, I had been listening to my favorite songs this morning when I started writing and just picked a title from the songs.
Sorry it has been a while. I started my new job a month ago at the prison and have been adjusting. As you can imagine, it is a lot different than outpatient psychiatry. But, I think it is what is best for me (at least for now). I don't have to worry about the patients/offenders because, well, they're not going anywhere. And working in a maximum security prison, most of the offenders are not good people per say. So it is easier to not get attached.
Being an empath was my strength as an outpatient provider, but also my weakness. I lost part of myself when that chapter of my life was over, but I started a brand new one. I learned a lot about myself in the last few months. It hasn't been easy. Some days it hurts. Some days are ok, and some are bad. Most days aren't good. Happiness is seldom a feeling I have anymore. As much as I hate to admit that; it is the truth. I have internal struggles most people don't even realize are happening. They look at me and think, "she must really have her shit together." I am good at acting like that. Especially to all my new coworkers at the prison. I am new and interesting to the people I work with. I am good at putting off the "hardass" vibe, which is necessary in a prison. Honestly, I am not scared working here. Oddly enough, I feel safe. I know I am being watched all the time and I don't let my guard down. EVER. It is better that way anyways. I assume everyone is full of shit unless I have proof showing otherwise. I talk to the people around me, but I don't get attached. I provide quality psychiatric care to incarcerated men, and then I go home. I constantly watch for inconsistency in stories, symptom endorsement, and manipulative behaviors. I read a lot about working in corrections. I never in a million years thought I would be working where I am, but honestly I like it more than I thought I would. Yes, it is very different but not necessarily in a bad way. I'm not emotionally and mentally exhausted from my job anymore. Not to say that I am not though. It just isn't my job causing that exhaustion.
I will be posting more in the near future, no worries. But, I wanted to make sure that I checked in with everyone as I have had some people that were concerned because I was M.I.A.
I'm okay.
