When things get hard, I may not always have the right thing to say or a solution. But I will always listen.
I may not be able to show you a positive outlook on life because I don't look on the bright side, but I will sit with you in the darkness.
I can say I understand or trust me, I get it and I really mean it.
I can tell you what works for me, or what hasn't worked for me; my personal experience with the struggle.
I can tell you what I think you should do or what you need to do; but that is always easier said than done.
Stop worrying; I mean if we could just not worry, trust me, we wouldn't. I know I am being ridiculous. I know the shit I worry about is irrelevant, not in my control, unimportant, etc. Yet I can't keep myself from worrying about it all.
Hang in there; yeah, I am trying over here but sometimes it is hard when you have depression that doesn't go away (again, if I could just choose to be happy, trust me, I would.) Also, hang in there is stupid for 2 reasons: 1) that dumb poster of the cat hanging on by a paw from the tree never helped anyone and 2) if youre depressed, hanging isn't really the greatest advice (just saying).
Don't shove it all down, it makes it worse; Yepp, sure does. But, who am I supposed to tell my deep dark thoughts to?
Either:
a) they will think I am crazy and judge me
b) not understand how I can think that way because I have so much to live for
c) send me to the hospital
Yeah, all those options suck.
I don't want to think about the darkness, but it lives in me. It invades my brain and takes over like a virus. It doesn't go away. It may be less at times, or at least quieter, but it is always there. Telling me I am worthless. Telling me that everyone would be better off without me. Telling me that I am stupid, fat, a bad mom, ugly, bad and so much more. I believe those words from that inner voice that hates me. No matter how many times you tell me they aren't true, they are on repeat in my head. Every little thing that goes wrong just validates those thoughts and feeds the fire. The wildfire. Spreading through every fiber of my being. I can't put it out. Neither can you. Because even if you tell me that the thought isn't true, I won't believe you. Because everyone lies. Because you have to say that.
I mean, what are you going to say? You're right. You are fat. Maybe you should work out. Maybe you should eat less. Yeah, you're a shitty mom.
Nope, you would lie and say that it isn't true because you want me to feel better. Right? So, I can't believe the outside voices; that inner voice always has control.
I know the answer of how to change my thought process; cognitive restructuring. I can't just do that over night. It takes time and hard work and depression makes it impossible to do anything more than the essentials. Plus, I am not strong enough to do that (another common thing the inner voice tells me). So, I just keep sitting in the darkness.
I want to be happy. Truly happy. It just isn't something that comes easy to me. Little sparks of light in the darkness, but never anything that lingers for long.
I don't want to have anxiety. I want to be able to live life where I can just not worry all the time and choose to stop. But I can't just stop; it won't shut off (my brain).
If I could be different, I would. But if I was different, I wouldn't be writing this; sharing my story to try to help someone else. I wouldn't be able to let someone know that they aren't alone. So, maybe I wouldn't change a thing.
I will sit with you in the darkness.
Check out When Everything Means Nothing by Fit For A King on Amazon Music
Check out The In-Between [Explicit] by In This Moment on Amazon Music
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