I saw this today while briefly scrolling through Facebook and was struck by it.
I have had multiple conversations lately about strength.
A lot of people think I am strong (for unknown reasons). I don't ever agree with them, or I say "I try" (my normal go-to response for when I don't know what else to say).
I am not strong.
I am tired.
I am broken.
I am numb.
I am overwhelmed.
I am me.
When I say I am numb, tired, broken, etc., I am not saying I don't feel things or that I am unhappy.
I just mean that I am here. I am functional. I work. I take care of the house, the kids, and other necessities, but I go through the motions most days. I don't feel happy. Most of the time I don't feel any emotion.
Is this just me? Like I said before in previous posts, I don't remember a time as a child being happy. I don't remember a time ever feeling genuinely happy before having kids.
Even then, I don't think I feel things quite the way other people do. I am not normal. I have a lot of guilt for not feeling more. I wish I did.
I want to experience that genuine, extreme excitement/happiness. I wish I knew what that felt like. But, I don't.
That doesn't mean that I am not happy with my life. Yeah, I said it. I know it doesn't make sense, but just because I don't feel happy doesn't mean I am not content with my life.
I feel like I am missing out on something all the time. Like a piece of me is missing. Except I don't know what the missing piece is to be able to fix it. That is what I mean when I say I am broken.
Sometimes I feel alone. Like I am the only person who feels this way. Or who doesn't feel. I like to call it "comfortably numb". That feeling that alcohol used to give me is now how I feel all the time.
Which, if you saw my fridge at work or my med list you would think I would be bouncing off the walls 24/7. (Hint: my work fridge is full of energy drinks and I am on stimulants because I have ADHD).
Confusing to say I have ADHD while I struggling to function most days. But it is my brain. It doesn't stop. From one thing to another. All day. Every day. Caffeine helps me focus and mellow out. It doesn't make me hyper. Sometimes I will get a hyper moment where I clean a lot and am super productive, but that is not often at all. My brain sucks.
Then again, I think that is what makes me good at what I do. Or at least why people value me as a provider. I get it on many levels and can relate to a lot.
I know the feelings and understand them.
Heck, maybe some people think I am not a good provider because I share my personal experiences and background. Who knows. But, just because someone doesn't agree with me being personal with my patients, doesn't mean I am going to change. I won't stop being a real person. I won't stop being vulnerable. Because I sit and ask my patients to be 100% vulnerable with me, so why wouldn't I allow myself to be somewhat vulnerable to make them more comfortable?
That is what sets me apart from others in my profession.
I will be vulnerable.
I will always be real.
It may not be pretty, but it is genuine, raw and it is me.
I won't ever apologize for being me.
Check out Alone In A Room (Acoustic Version) [Explicit] by Asking Alexandria on Amazon Music