Change

Change is so hard.

It is hard work to grow and learn to love yourself after years of not doing so.

As I always say, being positive is hard work. Being negative is easy, that is why a lot of us live in the negative (if you are a past patient, you have probably heard this a lot).

At some point recently, I suddenly began to love myself and realize that I am worth it. This is still new to me and not 100% complete.

I have been doing therapy for some time now and it took a lot of hard work, but I finally can see the light.

One day I woke up and I decided that I deserve better from the people around me and I deserve better from myself. I realized that negativity around me was causing me to continue to live in my negative spiral. I decided to let go of negativity and the people/things that hold me back and take a step out of the darkness.

I don't know exactly when it happened, but I started to love myself just a little bit more.

While this all sounds great, you learn that some people don't like the changes occurring and it causes some issues in life. A lot of people are used to the push-over, weak, self-hating Laura that needs validation to feel good. I am growing out of that person and into a stronger woman who loves myself and knows my worth. As you can see, this causes some conflict.

While part of me feels guilty for changing who I am, it is important to know that this change is like a metamorphasis. From a caterpillar to a cocoon and then to a butterfly. Growth shouldn't be seen as a negative. It should be something to be proud of and for others to have pride in me for the changes I have made.

That isn't always the case.

But, you know what I am responsible for? The things I can control.

1) I can control my actions and intentions.

2) I can't control others actions or thoughts/opinions.

Unfortunately, seeking help is seen as weakness in some people's eyes. Sometimes seeking help is seen as a negative instead of a positive. I seek help in multiple ways because I care about making progress to grow as a person. I am lucky that my husband also believes in getting help to work on things.

The hard part to accept: Either you grow with me or watch me from the sidelines.

What does that mean?

If you don't like the person I am growing into, you don't have to be in my life. I love my friends and family. But, I deserve people in my life who will cheer me on even if I do change into someone different.

Laura 2.0 is what I am calling it.

I want to make more time for myself. I am prioritizing myself.

Yes; my kids and my work/career are important. But if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else to my full capabilities.

My children deserve a happy, strong mommy. My new job deserves someone who isn't burnt out and tired all the time.

But, I can't be all those things if I don't take the time to regroup and relax.

So, I have been practicing more self love. This includes taking baths and reading my books while doing so (something I haven't taken the time to do because well, showering is so much faster). But, there is nothing more relaxing than taking a hot bubble bath/bath bomb and reading with a candle lit. Something about the steam and scents together while reading soothes my soul.

I also have been using an app called I Am. This app is android (not sure if there is an iPhone app or not). It tells you positive affirmations however many times a day you set it for. I do them three times a day. It's just a short little positive message that pops up in the notifications throughout the day. I really like these.

There are a lot of days that these pop up and seem go relate to whatever I am struggling with that day. They are helpful for me. And I can always use some positive affirmations in my life. Because, well, I need to practice what I preach and stop being so negative because it is easy.

Change is hard on your own though. Especially for someone who becomes reliant on others opinions. Unfortunately, I have been living a long time needing validation from others so I want approval from people that are important to me for everything I do. Even when I dye my hair a different color. If someone verbalizes distaste for it, I have to change it or I let it upset me. I want to be myself, but I don't know how to do that on my own. Sounds weird probably, but it's true. As The Five Love Languages calls it, I need words of affirmation. That's not my primary love language, but I have noticed thay I have some cross over between the 5 love languages. I am needy; what can I say. My primary love language relies on undivided attention. I will save the love language post for another day to avoid getting too far off topic.

Change. It is hard. It sucks sometimes. But, if you want your feelings, thoughts or situation to change, YOU have to change. It isn't a passive process. You have to actively change. No one can do it for you. So, get off your ass or out of your head and make some changes.

Comment with something you are working on changing, something you're struggling with, or just a "hey" will suffice. Just let me know you're here.

Since I am jamming to Beartooth while writing today, the lyrics (of course) spoke to me about my current thoughts.

It's like holding on when my grip is lost. I still feed my insecurity when I know the cost. Is it taking over? Will it bury me? Or will clarity become the cure for my disease.

Check out Disease by Beartooth on Amazon Music

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07F7NZYPT?trackAsin=B07F7PPDCP&ref=dm_sh_6AwcrhpKoe0Law8BksK4MTAWI

And then, just because it is a good song:

Check out Into The Dark (feat. Kellin Quinn) by Point North on Amazon Music

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B082QS52DK?trackAsin=B082QPHHNZ&ref=dm_sh_dXkFl7qBIc5m1nLmc0P8g4Ccd

As always, thanks for reading and letting me babble about my life/thoughts. I'm sure you have better things to do. I don't, obviously.

And once again: You are not alone.

Until next time. 👊