I say this a lot. I'm fragile. But, not like a flower. Those are pretty and delicate and they blossum and bloom into something more beautiful. Their petals fall off or can be pulled off (she loves me, she loves me not style). That is not me.
I am fragile like a bomb.
Not like a time bomb, though. Maybe more of a landmine style bomb. I get stepped on so many times before someone finally triggers me and I explode. I am no bomb expert though, so maybe there is a specific name for this type of bomb... I just don't know it and I am too lazy to look it up right now.
I had a job where I was surrounded by friends. Every day I had support. People I trusted with my secrets and I felt I could be myself around and cry and they would still love me. They said that anyways when I was working there. They assured me that they would always be there for me. They hugged me when I cried and brought me tissues and water and candy to my car when I had to go clear my head outside. They listened to me vent in my office with the door closed. And I listened to them, too. I considered them some of my best friends.
Then, I lost my job. Man, that sucked. That job was what made me, me. I never felt like I was meant to so anything as much as I was meant to do that.
I was a go-to person for my patients. I was the voice for my group home patients who couldn't speak for themselves. I supported my patients, group home staff, and my staff. I was the person people wanted to talk to when they felt like their world was falling apart. I wanted to be that person for them.
But I think more than anything, I wanted to be needed.
I cared so much.
Too much.
I was always working, even when I wasn't working. I made arrangements to be there for patients if something came up; I wanted to be available when they needed me. I gave people chances. I helped them work through their failures or setbacks, and celebrated their triumphs with them. I talked to them about everything or nothing at all. I was a safe place. A sounding board. I was appreciated by so many patients as well as staff from facilities. I felt secure, safe and needed. All of my needs were being met.
One day changed everything.
When I lost my job, I lost part of myself. That part that was validating me and making me feel that sense of purpose.
I felt like things were looking up, but I keep having setbacks.
Depression and anxiety suck so bad.
I have good days and bad days.
Some days I feel great and get so much done at home. Other days, I don't want to get out of bed.
Today, I got up early and started working around the house right away. I felt good besides having a migraine. My mother in law came over and brought breakfast, and we ate with the kids. She took them for a walk and I started in organizing my closet. *hint: someone missed their ADD meds this morning*
I got knee deep in this and then they got back from their walk and wanted me to go to the park with them, so I did. Mistake #2 (#1 was missing my meds).
I love my kids. I am not saying I don't want to spend time with them at the park. What I am saying is: when I am accomplishing things and feeling good, I can't step away with it undone. I left my good mood in the middle of what appeared like a tornado hit my room. Stepping away gave my brain a chance to run away and not focus on a task and being accomplished, and sometimes that doesn't end up good. Ok, most times.
Migraine was still throbbing and as beautiful as it is today, the sun does not help. I had to go home and lay down for a bit. But, just 30 minutes because I had lunch plans at noon and it was 1100. So at 1130 I woke up to start getting ready. I wanted to stay in bed, but having plans with a friend pushed me to get out of bed.
I headed out at 1206 (yeah, yeah. I am always late). I text saying I was on the way. No response.
I got there and text again asking if she was there.
1215. No answer.
I called. No answer.
I text again, no answer.
1230. Nothing.
I cried. Sitting in the parking lot. Alone. My favorite place.
I picked myself up for a minute. I ordered food from the parking lot and waited for it to be ready. I stopped for an energy drink (a white monster - my go to). I went to the park and parked in my favorite spot. That's where I am now writing this. Eating Mexican alone in my car at the park.
Why didn't I go home?
I needed to clear my head before. If you don't understand, I like to try to clear all this negativity out so I can go home and be happy mommy.
The happy mommy I was planning on being after eating Mexican food and having a margarita with a friend.
So, instead I am having a monster and mexican date with myself in my new jeep with my windows down at the park.
Listening to Octane and writing. Because when I hurt, I write.
I used to fight or get angry.
I am not sure if I have gotten better at coping, or if I just don't have enough energy to be angry anymore.
Being at home and not working for a few weeks has been rough. Yes, I have been spending more time with the kids and it has been great. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed with the best.
But, depression doesn't discriminate.
Neither does anxiety, or any other illness for that matter (mental or physical).
I was so excited for lunch with my friend and when I realized she wasn't coming, it crushed me. It felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.
Then I thought, do I have friends, really?
Or is this my depression talking?
No, I don't want sympathy.
Maybe some empathy.
Depression makes me feel like no one likes me, and my anxiety makes me constantly want others to approve of me. My ADD makes my brain not want to slow down, which makes things worse. Bouncing from one thing to another inside my brain. Trying to figure out where I went wrong.
But, I didn't go wrong.
I did nothing wrong. I showed up for our plans. Yeah, 8 mins late but I was there.
ADD/anxiety: But, maybe I should have checked today that we were still on...
Logically: If we made plans at 8pm last night, why would that change today? Especially with no text or anything that would indicate otherwise.
This went on for the whole 45 minutes I sat in the parking lot at the restaurant. Me arguing internally with myself about why.
STOP.
In case you don't know, this is called thought-stopping. Yelling STOP and making a loud noise (hitting the table or whatever is in front of you).
It's like telling yourself to knock it off.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I did nothing wrong.
I am not a bad friend or person.
I am loveable.
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I cannot change anyone but me.
I cannot control anyone but me.
I am me.
I have friends that love me.
I have family that loves me.
I have a new job coming up soon.
Everything will be ok.
I am not alone.
And remember, you are not alone either.
Teardrops [Explicit] by Bring Me The Horizon on Amazon Music
DOA [feat. Joyner Lucas] [Explicit] by I Prevail on Amazon Music
Talk to a Friend by Slaves on Amazon Music
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