"I'm ok."

First post. First time blogging. Where to start?

While it feels odd not to tell you my story chronologically, I feel it is important to tell you my "why".

1. "I am crazy." While I hate that word, I feel it is the easiest way for those of us with mental health "issues" to understand.

2. I am a PSYCHIATRIC NURSE PRACTITIONER. I take care of patients with all diagnoses; depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar, borderline, substance use disorder, schizophrenia, and the list goes on and on.

3. I struggle with my mental health on the daily. Yes, you read that right. Back to #2: I help patients with their mental health "issues" WHILE struggling with my own. How can I not have all the answers and still be struggling with my mental health when that is what I do for a living? I am HUMAN.

4. I am always looking for ways to help others with mental health, not just my patients. Mental health awareness is important to me. If it ends up being therapeutic for me, that would be a cool. If not, hopefully it will help you, and bonus if my struggle/stories can make you smile and//or laugh.

How are you?

I'm ok.

This is my favorite conversation to have. Am I ok? No. But what am I supposed to say?

Pretty shitty. I haven't slept because my anxiety won't let me shut my brain off to fall sleep.

Struggling. I hate myself and I don't know why.

Crappy. My fingers hurt from picking the skin around my fingernails until they bleed because my anxiety is through the roof.

Bad; I just want to curl up in bed all day and sleep and // or cry.

Yeah, somehow I don't think that is what they are really asking. But, I have always had an issue with people asking "how are you?". It isn't REALLY them wanting to know how you are. It is more of a formality.

You're supposed to say, "Good! Thanks. How are you?". That is what we were taught right? But why? Why do we ask someone how they are when we don't really want to know?

I don't have the answer for that. What I do know is that I have made it a point to really ASK my friends, patients, and family how they are REALLY doing. Also, I have started responding to the question more honestly. I have been surprised at the love and support I have received since I changed the way I respond.

My most recent responses to friends include:

Struggling mentally. Just tired, overwhelmed, stressed. I just don't feel like doing anything.

Crappy honestly. Depression sucks.

Why did I start doing that? Do I want attention? Nope. But, if I am honest about my mental health struggles then I know my friends, family and patients will know that I am someone they can come to when they are struggling.

Reverse psychology in a way. Except, it is really just me NORMALIZING talking about our mental health.

It is important.

For today, that's all I have. I will leave you with a fun fact about me: music is therapeutic to me and I listen to music that no one in my family really likes because obviously, they have crappy taste in music.

But, here's a song related to my blog for today. Enjoy! (Or don't, that's up to you and your taste in music.)

https://youtu.be/-LdYtHZFnDs