When we moved to another house in town was when I remember things changing. For some reason, I felt like I was not in control. I felt anxious. But, at the age of 12 I didn't know that was what I was feeling. I was in my "goth phase". I never smiled for pictures. I don't know that I smiled much. I started cutting myself and although I didn't know why, it helped. It made me feel better. What a terrifying thing to look back on and realize.
I had my "first love" in 8th grade and I thought that made me happy. Until he broke my heart on my 13th birthday. Columbia Daze picnic my freshman year of high school. He dumped me because surprise, we went to a new school and he realized other girls existed.
Any time I felt things were out of control, I cut myself. That was the only coping skill I had at the time. It was like a sigh of relief.
I got asked to homecoming by a guy who seemed nice. Then, the night before homecoming at the football game he had a friend tell me that he wasnt taking me anymore AND he was keeping my ticket. WHY?
I was so upset. My sister worked at the school and pulled some strings to get me a ticket, but I didn't want to go alone. I had no date though and didn't know anyone to take. So she pulled some more strings and got permission for me to bring my friend Tom from Gibault. We had fun and I ended up going to their homecoming with him too! The after-party was rough though; I passed out off a bar stool and woke up on the bathroom and there were frogs everywhere (the bathroom had frog decor). I was 14. This was the first time I got drunk.
I started dating someone in October. I had known his sister since I was around five and we were good friends. Things started to look brighter for me. We were together for just over a year. Things were great. Until it wasn't. We got into a fight over something dumb and then my friend convinced me I needed to date someone her boyfriend was friends with, and I was 15 so I listened to her. I broke up with him. He went to my house drunk in the middle of the night and told my parents that I cut myself. They asked me about it and I said he was lying and the cat scratched my arm. They believed me. So, I got smarter.
I realized that alcohol had a similar effect on me and started drinking instead. I didn't just drink beer or "girly drinks". I drank Jack Daniels. A lot. I would play "shot pong" instead of beer pong, and if my friend couldn't do anymore shots, I would kindly offer to take theirs too. By the time I turned 16 I had quite the tolerance. I had a bottle hidden in the drop ceiling in my room and would take a few shots to put myself to sleep. I would wake up in the morning and take a shot for a quick buzz before I went to run/workout.
I look pretty happy right?
I lost my alcohol source junior year right after I turned 16 and needed a new one. So I text my ex (the one who went to my house and ratted me out; no hard feelings by the way, we are cool now). He said he wouldn't buy me alcohol, but gave me someone's number who would. So after I got off work at the nursing home, I went and picked up my friends and we drove to Red Bud to meet him.
The next couple months to follow changed my life forever.