"How much pain can one person take?"
This is something I get asked a lot working in mental health.
Some people say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".
I don't know about all that, but what I do know is the struggle is real. There are days when my pain is too much to bear and it affects me not only physically, but mentally.
It is so hard.
Having endometriosis, bile acid gastritis, degenerative arthritis, IBS, and interstitial cystitis as my "physical" pains and then my "mental" pains (yes, plural) can be daunting. Lately, it seems this is more days than not.
I was newly diagnosed as having IC (interstitial cystitis) at the end of May and told I have likely had it as long as I have had endometriosis (diagnosed by exploratory surgery 8 years ago). How IC was described to me made perfect sense and made me realize what issues it has caused over the years. But, guess what? Another chronic, lifelong, incurable diagnosis.
Then, awake in the middle of the night with a gastritis flare-up that won't allow me to sleep.
It makes it hard to breathe to where I feel like I am being suffocated, I can't eat without making it worse, can't get comfortable...Even drinking water hurts.
I have to leave my bed because I don't want to wake anyone up with my issues.
Eventually, I am finally able to fall back asleep after hours of rocking in pain and sitting up in the living room chair.
Sometimes this is just one night and other times it lasts for weeks.
Gastritis sucks. Mine is supposedly due to having my gallbladder removed and not being able to regulate bile production. (I should have just left my shitty gallbladder in there, because this is WAY worse than what I felt when I had it.)
The only time I am not hurting is when I can get to sleep; getting to sleep is a whole other problem.
All of these physical struggles on top of my depression, anxiety, eating disorder, and PTSD can be overwhelming.
I don't hide my struggles from anyone, especially my patients. They all know I am "a hot mess" and "crazy". But you know what? That is why a lot of my patients like me. I am not afraid to admit that I have issues on this side of the desk.
So many patients ask, "what is it like to be stable?"
I always respond, "I will let you know when I find out". I follow that up with telling them that I still see a therapist, I still am making adjustments to my meds, I still have bad days and I STILL struggle. I am not perfect.
Does God only give me what I can handle? I don't know. But I do know I have too many people watching me to give up on myself.
Patients. Coworkers. My children. My friends. My family.
So for today, I am going to continue the struggle, put one foot in front of the other and "just keep swimming."