The worst part of the day.
Well, it depends on the day.
Some days, it is just waking up. The physical and mental struggle of getting myself going in the morning.
I have to work. Every day. I have people who rely on me. Financially and mentally for support.
But God, some days I just want to say "f*** it" and go back to bed.
Instead, I get up and make myself get the day going.
Either it is a M/W/F and it is just me literally waking up and waiting for my MIL to get here so I can start working or it is a T/Th and I have to get the kids up, get myself ready, and drag ass out the door.
Every day lately I am late getting started. Whether it's me working from home calling my 0730 at 0800 or in the office doing the same.
The struggle.
I usually say "I am so sorry I am running late" or "my computer is running slow this morning, sorry." When most days I should just say, "I'm sorry, my depression sucks and I just couldn't get motivated to do shit this morning."
Oh, and I also have ADD so that adds a little spice into the mixture.
Like, hey my depression sucks but, squirrel.
Literally.
Tonight. At dinner with a friend. Explaining how I hate my reliance on meds.
I didn't have my adderall today because I was switching to Vyvanse and I took my last Adderall yesterday and was supposed to stop on my way home but was calling rehabs for a patient to get him somewhere to go and forgot so I didn't stop and then I was talking to my 130 patient while laying in bed and she is one of my favorites but I was so exhausted by this time I really wanted to cancel my afternoon but then when I called my 2pm which was fine last week she was crying and then I knew there was a reason why I didn't cancel my afternoon because she needed me.
So, what were you saying about not having your medicine today?
Exactly.
The end.
So, in summary, depression sucks. So does anxiety. And ADD with no meds. Squirrel.
Oh, and I can't fall asleep because my brain won't shut off. But I dont want to be reliant on benzos so I tried melatonin. 3mg is not enough. 6mg is too much and I am groggy.
So, yeah. When I say I get it. I REALLY do. We are all struggling. We are all muddling through.
Should I be "happy". YES.
Am I? No.
Do I love my job, my kids, my family, friends. YES.
Isn't that enough? NO.
Because, depression.
Chemical imbalances.
I am still a work in progress.
But.
"Nunca te rindas."