When did you first feel depressed in your life?
This is something I ask every one of my patients (replace depression with your diagnosis of choice). We have to establish a point in time where it all began.
Knowing when mental illness started is important for a few reasons:
Some diagnoses cannot be made until the age of 18
Triggering events (life situation, changes in family structure, trauma, etc)
It is the "onset" that we learn in nursing school that we ask for every "chief complaint" whether mental or physical. We need this to establish a history.
For some, their depression didn't start until later in life; as people they loved started to pass away, they lost their "purpose", and/or their independence.
For others, there was a triggering event. The death of a parent, grandparent, friend, or other loved one. Their parents got divorced. They experienced or witnessed abuse or a traumatic event. Their spouse left them. Some kind of change occurred in their life when they felt out of control.
For me, I was always "the quiet one".
These past 6 months have been about finding the answers to some pretty difficult questions about myself.
My parents got divorced when I was in 2nd grade. Before that time, I don't remember many things. I remember watching cartoons before school, my mom watching kids at our house, calling the police because my sisters were "going to kill each other" (they were fighting teenage girls; normal. But to a 5 year old, I thought they were going to kill each other). I remember being terrified when I accidentally rode the bus home my first day of school and my parents were picking me up that day. I was lost and panicked. I was so upset that my parents bought me a puppy. He was a black cocker spaniel who I named Sparky. I remember feeding Sparky spaghetti off my fork and putting his ears up in a "ponytail". I also remember throwing up chili mac hamburger helper while sleeping in my bed and never eating it again.
When my parents were separated for a couple years, I lived with my mom in Columbia. I had a best friend I met named Frankie who lived down the street. I spent a lot of time at her duplex with her. We played outside or played video games inside. At home, I spent a lot of my time in the basement in my tent (literal tent). I listened to Michael Jackson CDs and did homework that wasn't necessary (most was Julie, my sister's homework and she was 6 years older). I watched videos and taught myself how to do different braids. I liked to be alone. It was peaceful.
That is the interesting thing though. I don't remember it ever not being peaceful.
Fast forward to 4th grade and I watched my parents get remarried. We moved into a house we rented on Gall Road. It was so cool. It was old and I loved it. Plus, I had my own room. My dad went to night school for HVAC and worked during the day. My mom worked at a dentist office and went to dental assisting classes too. My sisters were in high school and usually not home.
I spent a lot of time exploring the woods and creek by my house, playing basketball, or I was in my room listening to music, playing with dolls, or reading.
Alone.
I don't remember specifically when I started feeling depressed. But, I don't remember a time when I wasn't.
When I asked my mom recently what she saw with me growing up, she said "you were always just the quiet one and liked to keep to yourself."
I was either alone (when I was younger) or surrounded myself with loud, happy, obnoxious people so I would go unnoticed (when I got older).
I have been good at hiding in the background since I was very young.
Unfortunately, that made it easy for me to continue to hide my mental health issues in the many years to follow.
Don't worry. There is much more to come; I just wanted to establish an onset for you.
I will leave you with one of my favorite songs from way back when. (PSA: I don't watch music videos so I have no clue what is in the video - I am an auditory person, not visual)