The worst, most over-used phrase ever.
Trust: Well, this seems like a pretty easy topic to talk about...right?
Maybe for some, but not for me.
Trust has never been my strong suit. I wear my heart on my sleeve now, but it wasn't always like that.
Why?
Because if I let people in, then they could hurt me. To the average normal person, that may sound ridiculous. But for me, it goes back to about 6th grade. Maybe 7th. I can't remember a time until recently when I fully trusted someone and they didn't lie to me, tell my secrets, or make me feel stupid for trusting them.
I think I have trust issues from childhood, but I wanted to believe that they were invalid. I didn't want to be right. But, time and time again, I was right. People just kept proving it.
So I built a wall. I shut people out. I dealt with it all alone and put on a happy face because if I told someone my deep, dark secrets they would just talk about me behind my back. Right?
Wrong.
Not always anyways.
I stuffed down a life-altering secret for 13 years. I am the queen of stuffing things down. But you know what? You can only stuff things down for so long before you explode. Trust me. It isn't pretty when that happens.
What happens when the explosion occurs?
I am sure for everyone it is different.
But for me, it was sitting on the bottom of the shower with the hot water on all the way hot and sobbing uncontrollably wanting the pain to stop.
Thinking of ways to make it stop.
Driving to work thinking about driving my car off the overpass/road. (No I am not suicidal currently. So no worries.)
Crying on my way to and from work.
Being irritable with everyone, even the people who tried to be there for me.
And wanting to sleep because that is the only time the pain stops.
That was me in March of 2020. Just 6 months ago.
It took some time, self exploration, and many crappy days to get past that. And honestly, I am still working on it.
But honestly, the best thing I have done for me is sharing my story.
My struggles, failures and triumphs.
Being raw and real.
Being vulnerable.
Which obviously, with trust issues, did not come naturally.
Do I still have trust issues?
Absolutely.
But since I am constantly pouring the "secrets" out to you guys, I feel like I am free.
Nothing to hide.
No secrets to be told.
You can all talk about me all you want and I hope you do.
I hope you tell everyone that some crazy lady on Wix made you feel validated about your feelings.
I hope you say I made you laugh or smile.
I hope you know that you're not alone.
We are all in rough places at times, but we don't have to feel alone.
This too shall pass.
